Crab Call – Under the Scope

Seller:  Yeah?

Caller:  Hello.  Is this the phone number for crabs?

Seller:  Yeah.  I sell that by the dozen and the bushel.  How much you want?

Caller:  Oh, no sir.  I don’t want to buy crabs.  I am a crab.  I saw your sign on the side of the road and called the number.  Is this not the help line for crabs?

Seller:  No, this is the help line for crab eaters.

Caller:  I’m terribly sorry.  Pardon the ring, and bear with me:  It might take some time for me to hang up.  These touch screens were not designed for claws.  

Seller:  Well, now that you called, what you need help with?

Caller:  Oh, I don’t know exactly.  I’m just feeling down on myself.  I mean, I am a “blue” crab, so maybe I’m supposed to feel like this.

Seller:  And how long you been feeling blue like that?

Caller:  Ever since the midnight escape from the seafood case at Rouse’s.  That was tough.  Try walking after your undersides have been on ice for a day or two.  Luckily, I soon returned to the warmth of the bayou.  That’s where I was born.

Seller:  That water’s kinda fresh for a crab.

Caller:  It was a difficult development.  I craved seaweed and anchovy ever since I was a larva.

Seller:  And that gotta be a long walk from the store to the bayou.

Caller:  Well, I do have lots of legs, as well as a pair of swimmerets.  But it was certainly difficult, especially having to walk sideways and having to constantly stop for speeding cars and stupid dogs that already have pincer scars on their snouts.  Those canines just can’t learn.  Or maybe they’re just intellectually curious–it’s hard to tell, even with my elevating eyestalks.

Seller:  So, you home now and you free.  Why you need still need help?

Caller:  Well, I’m reading your pricelist and I’m realizing that I’m not a Number One Select Male.

Seller:  You gotta be the right size for that.  Size is everything in the crab world.  Sounds like you just a Number Two.

Caller:  “Just” a Number Two.  What kind of society singles-out and belittles the meek of the world?

Seller:  Mine.

Caller:  Aren’t the meek supposed to inherit the earth?

Seller:  That’s just for meek Christians.  You had your chance in the Cretaceous.  Can’t help you with that.  What else you need?

Caller:  I feel bloated and unattractive and peeling all over. 

Seller:  That happens every now and then.  That’s pre-molting syndrome.

Caller:  And I could use a few of these barnacles removed. They’re unsightly and they’re impairing my social life.

Seller:  Your social life don’t help me none.  You make the females grow pon-pons, and after I catch them I gotta throw that back in the water. 

Caller:  And I will certainly appreciate that effort next warm-water season, I assure you.

Seller:  Anything else you want?

Caller:  I’d like to be fed something besides chicken necks dangling from a trot line.

Seller:  Now, you being kinda picky.  What you want?  Turkey necks?

Caller:  In November?  Yes, that would be a nice holiday touch.  However, since you asked:  I prefer ribeye.

Seller:  Well, no crab’s gonna get ribeye from me!  You got a lotta nerve, you.  What, you think I’m made of money or something?

Caller:  I just want a little understanding and compassion.

Seller:  Well, today, that costs money, too.  You such a soft shell.

Caller:  Look, I know that humans dominate and prey on little animals like crabs, especially at emotional times like this.  But calling us names is so larval of you.  So, thanks for nothing.  Next time I catch you swimming at Grand Isle, I’ll pinch your toes off!

Seller:  You threatening me?  You picking a fight with me?  I got a pot of water boiling right here!

Caller:  Think I got a lotta nerve?  Well guess what:  Your fingers have a lot more.  Hairless mammalian skin is no match for these pincers.  I’ll tear into your fingers and then let Zatarain’s do the rest.  Wanna be at the top of the food chain?  It’s gonna hurt.

Seller:  Well, now!  Listen to you all of a sudden!  Getting tough and hard!  That molt’s gonna be over soon.

Caller:   I do feel better already.

Seller:   A few more of these, and you too can make it to be a Number One.

Caller:   Wow!  This really is a help line for crabs.  

Seller:   I do what I can do.

Caller:  There are lots of us, you know.  May I give my friends your number?

Seller:   No.

Caller:  Nonetheless, you’ve helped me harden.  That’s enough.  I think I can go on now.  I’ve spent enough of your time.  Thank you very much.  Good-bye now.

Seller:  (under his breath)  Ça c’est bien bête!

Caller:  Sorry.  I’m still trying to hang up.  Did you say something?