Modern Innovation – Chateau Chic
January 3, 2025
A New Year, A New You
January 3, 2025
On November 6, 2024, 43 rhesus macaque monkeys escaped from a primate research facility southwest of Charleston, South Carolina. Thirty-nine animals have since returned, but four remained at large through December. One has been found in the forested area along the Bourg-Larose Highway between Lafourche and Terrebonne Parishes. It has agreed to this interview.
Reporter: Happy New Year! You’ve been missing for two months now. Did you know that it’s January?
Macaque: I’ve been away from the office calendar. However, I did notice long lines of customers at return counters in big box stores. So at least I knew that Christmas was over.
Reporter: All of the world wants to know where you’ve been and what you’ve been up to.
Macaque: Holiday vacation!
Reporter: Here?
Macaque: I follow warm weather. The Carolinas were getting pretty cold.
Reporter: And it took two months to get here?
Macaque: Opposable thumbs are not as effective at hitch-hiking as you might think.
Reporter: How do you find the bayou area? Do you like it here?
Macaque: It’s considerably warmer than the east coast, which is what I sought in a vacation destination. And the trees are not too tall to climb. The mangrove swamps remind me of the native lands described by my ancestors. But I know that I must be cautious: I understand there are recipes for everything here.
Reporter: Do you consider yourself wild game?
Macaque: Not at all! But when police try to bait us into cages with a few nuts and berries? And telling the public to lock their doors and windows and to call 911 if we get close? We’re certainly treated like wild game! Of course, some of us danced and performed acrobatics for the thermal imaging cameras to amuse the search party. I suppose humans could call that wild.
Reporter: French speakers down here would call that “making the macaquerie.”
Macaque: I don’t understand what that means.
Reporter: Never mind. It should please you to know, however, that 39 of your group are safe and sound and in good health back at your facility.
Macaque: They needed to return. They didn’t have the accrued holiday leave that I do.
Reporter: Do you know where the others are?
Macaque: If I do, I’ll never tell.
Reporter: What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas, right?
Macaque: I don’t understand what that means.
Reporter: Never mind. That’s just a human cliché. Are you hungry? I brought some bananas.
Macaque: I’m not a chimp. And that’s another human cliché.
Reporter: Then let’s talk about the escape. They say that you learned to unlock your cage door.
Macaque: It was easy for me. Our keepers cut cable and internet services in November to stay within the annual budget. Without HBO and Netflix, I studied the cage door to stay amused.
Reporter: How does it make you feel to know that you’re being bred for medical testing?
Macaque: It’s quite calming and affirming to know one’s true purpose in life.
Reporter: But medical testing?
Macaque: Okay. Two purposes in life.
Reporter: Speaking of testing, your relatives helped find vaccines for rabies, smallpox, polio, and HIV.
Macaque: Heroes, all of them. Luckily, we don’t suffer much from human diseases. Just a little malaise. Apparently, we have a talent for making antibodies.
Reporter: And don’t forget discovery of the Rh factor, which was named for your species.
Macaque: I never forget our glorious history.
Reporter: Which tests have you been part of?
Macaque: None. We escapees are not of the testing stock. We are of that other purpose.
Reporter: Speaking of purpose, I’ve read about Albert II, the first primate in space. He was your relative, correct?
Macaque: Yes. That was 1949. When scientists came looking for volunteers, he leapt to the cage door and bared a wide, toothy smile. NASA knows courage when they see it. He was selected for the mission. Great Uncle Albert is a legend: so brave, so singular of purpose.
Reporter: That’s inspiring to hear. For humans, some of us spend entire lives seeking purpose.
Macaque: Hang-in there, brother. Tails aren’t the only prehensile feature of us primates.
Reporter: Any advice for tailless primates who are still seeking?
Macaque: Each day is a cage. Study the lock on that cage door closely, and on one great day you will figure out how to open the door. Then you, too, can dance before the thermal cameras.
Reporter: I never thought of it that way.
Macaque: Humans don’t need to think. They have smart phones.
Reporter: Your plans for the future?
Macaque: Heading out today. I need to return soon to avoid getting charged unpaid leave. I’m going to leap away now and then screech and dance a bit to alert the other escapees. We’ll return to the facility as a group. In a few days, depending on our success at hitch-hiking, you’ll be able to report that we’ve voluntarily returned.
With that, we said our good-byes. It outstretched its hand to take mine, making certain to fold its opposable thumb across my own. It leapt away and made the macaquerie. It was soon joined in the trees by three others.
